In the words of one of my favorite musicians, “Sistas how y’all feel? Brothas y’all alright?”. Well, with all that 2020 has brought about, I have gone from being alright to I am not alright at all. We all entered this year all bright eyed and bushy tailed. This being the year of 2020, and the correlation of 20/20 vision, just filled your heart with so much hope. Little did we know that all we expected 2000 to be (do y’all remember that? Folks literally stocked their homes with water and food in preparation) was actually in store for us now. One of my goals for 2020 was to spend as much quality time with people I care about as possible. I wanted to see family, friends and those with genuine good vibes, laugh, create memories and take pictures to look back on for years to come. Thankfully I was able to have a few birthday celebrations in February that gave me a tiny bit of what I wanted the whole year to be like.
When COVID 19 made its way to the United States I remember thinking about what China had already been going through for months. I remember telling one of my best friends that I don’t want to be trapped inside my apartment by myself for months. She offered to let me come stay at her house until it blows over, but not fully being aware of the impact of this virus I declined. I said I’ll just tough it out at home for a few weeks until we get back to normal. Though I had to adjust to being in my apartment much more than usual, I really enjoyed connecting more with my friends and family through text, phone conversations and video chats. The more the virus spread, and the more we started to learn about it, reality set in that this could actually be much longer than I anticipated. The walls in my apartment started to close in, and I felt more lonely than ever before. News of someone I knew personally passing away from the virus really shocked me to my core. I felt the need to distance even more to do my part. Leaning even more on the calls, texts and video messages I realized some triggers that I had to quickly cut myself away from. Seeing people with their families, children, spouses, roommates magnified my loneliness even more and was becoming more counterproductive than productive. Being someone that desires to have a husband and children some day all I could think about is that I would never want to go through an experience like this alone again. Yes, I know people in their 90s still have time to find love. Yes, I know people like Halle Berry and Janet Jackson have had children in their 40s and 50s, but that does little to comfort me in my present situation. I also realize that the grass is not always greener on the other side. We ALL have our ups and downs in whatever situation we’re currently in, but sometimes people just need to vent. So let me vent. If you have children or a spouse, before you encourage someone without those special people in their lives to thing their life is better without them ask yourself, If given the choice to continue forward in life with my spouse/children or without my spouse/children what choice would I make? If you love them enough to say I want to continue life with them even with all the headaches they bring, then you should understand someone desiring to have the same in their life. I can honestly say if given the choice to continue the rest of life single, or continue life with a person I wake up more days wanting to be with than without, I’d choose to be with that person. Even as I sit here now typing alone in my apartment the silence is deafening. So I distanced myself from those triggers, which being an influencer and needing to maintain an online presence is pretty hard to do. People may not understand why is she online, but I haven’t seen her? Because, triggers… Sitting in my apartment, eating all of the quarantine snacks took a big toll on me physically. I was barely moving at all for days at a time. I gained weight, my sleep pattern was all off and I just sat in bed watching TV until I fell asleep. Thank God for my cousin challenging her loved ones to a 100 miles in May challenge. I took on the challenge, and suddenly things were starting to turn around for the better.
That is until one day I saw news of a black man jogging and being hunted down and murdered. My heart went out to him. Then I saw news of a black man simply wanting to watch birds, and having police called on him with insane allegations of him threatening the white woman that called the police. Again, my heart went out to him. Then I saw the news of a black man being murdered on the streets by a police officer and I thought to myself why on earth are our black men such a threat to people! This is ridiculous! Apparently these sentiments were boiling over for everyone because several protests broke out, and well, you’ve been living through it too, so I don’t need to go into those details. So here I was, trapped in my apartment trying to avoid a deadly virus, my heart aching from missing family and friends, and my heart breaking for an entire race of people. Yes, Sandra Bland, Atatiana Jefferson, Breonna Taylor and so many others have equally pulled at my heart strings. It’s a lot to deal with and work through alone.
On top of COVID 19 quarantine emotions and what feels like the modern day Civil Rights Movement I am also struggling with watching my favorite person in the world change quickly before my eyes. I haven’t really talked about it, but one day we were watching the news together and talking like normal and the next they were stricken to a bed and needing assistance for everything. It’s something I still don’t really want to talk about. Just typing out the reality of it all brings tears to my eyes right now. But I want to give a full picture of all that I’ve been wrestling with the past few weeks and months. This is the biggest reason why I decline a lot of things that involve interaction with others. At this point spending the time that I can, without adding the possibility of unknowingly infecting this person I love so much, is at the top of my priority list.
During this time I have had to find ways to keep myself balanced. I continue to protect myself from things that may trigger me to have feelings I just can’t handle right now. I also participate (not as regularly as in the beginning but I’ll work on it) in the prayers that my church, Concord Church, host daily. I have thrown myself full force into working on projects for Brandi’s Foodie Diary and The COCOA Initiative, and I’m really excited about the things to come. I’ve started playing games on my phone. Silly I know, but it keeps my mind occupied and gives me something just completely fun to do instead of keeping updated with the news. I’ve started playing this game that’s similar to candy crush. Now I managed to avoid that addiction when everyone else was on it, but now that I’ve started with this game I totally get the craze. I’m sorry for every person I laughed at for being addicted to that game. The Verzuz battles have been another thing I’ve really enjoyed. I’ve learned some interesting facts about some of my favorite artists, been thoroughly entertained by technical difficulties and relished in the appreciation shown between artists.
All in all this post is a diary entry that I can look back on to reflect on all I’ve dealt with and overcome in 2020. I am not without hope though. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and I’m coming through this season like the incredible hulk. I do want to encourage everyone to take care of their physical and mental health. Get up and move everyday. That alone helps with your mental clarity as well. I do over 4 miles in my living room everyday, so you have no excuses. If you have the ability get a therapist or life coach to assist with bringing balance to your life.
Last year I was blessed to be able to partner with Alisha Woodall for a Let’s Talk Therapy series, and this time in my life right now reminds me of just how important that work truly was. Her heart to serve others and help them become their best selves is truly amazing. Below I am linking to her and the therapists that were featured during the Let’s Talk Therapy series. I am also linking to my church which has a facility for mental health. During this time when we’ve truly endured a lot of trauma try to be understanding of your friends, how their experiences may differ from yours, and how their triggers may differ from yours. This year is unlike any year any of us have ever navigated, but will get through this though.
Dr. Selders can also be found here.
I also would like to mention that during Let’s Talk Therapy we were able to do a book giveaway from celebrity life coach Pervis Taylor III M.A. You can find the book Surthrival Mode on his website.